She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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