It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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