I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
