We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
