:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
