I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i think i have two assholes
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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