Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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