We're facebook friends in real life
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
