Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
