theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
