I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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