like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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