i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
