I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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