as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
