I should be sponsored by Trojan
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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