I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i already hear my dad disowning me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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