Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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