whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
