After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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