So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
