I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
