i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
