Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
