you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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