Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
