So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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