after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Farmville is her only friend.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
