i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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