the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
