??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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