i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
