Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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