Apparently you make a good broom.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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