Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
