i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I party with great urgency now.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
