you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
