I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
