The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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