He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
