you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
