the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
