Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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