She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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