Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
