So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
