hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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