they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
