dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
