Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
