Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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