Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
