In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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