Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
