genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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