i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
