He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
where are you?
Hypothermia
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
