The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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