another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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